Whole30 -- Days 4, 5, and 6

Day 4 -- Thursday, 12 August through Sunday, 14 August, 2016

Thursday was so long ago ... I don't remember what I ate! I've been relying on this forum to be my food long, but I've started writing my food down to make it easier to post. I can tell you that I felt okay and my eating was compliant, if not enough. YAY for me!

Friday, I was so sick. I spent most of the day in bed or in the bathroom. Not only was my stomach upset, I had diarrhea, too. I don't think it was W30 related, as my husband came home from a work early a couple of days before because he was sick. I think I picked up some kind of bug from him. Usually, I don't catch everything he does, but because my body was getting used to W30, my immune system wasn't as efficient as it usually is? I dunno. I was much sicker than he was. Nothing was staying down and my blood sugar was getting low, so I ate some watermelon slowly. Not a whole meal, just the fruit. I chewed very slowly, and swallowed carefully. That stayed down and my blood sugar normalized. Later in the evening, I got hungry, so I made two scrambled eggs and reheated some mushrooms and asparagus and added some olives. None of that stayed down. I can't remember everything I tried to eat, but the watermelon was the only thing that stayed down, so I had some more before bed.

Saturday. I felt much better on Saturday, thank goodness, because we were slated to have company over for gaming in the evening. That meant there would be lots of snacks, so I decided to allow myself to snack on compliant food if necessary. I figured a little fruit by itself was better than giving in to the call of chips and cookies. As it turned out, I didn't need to do that.
But back to earlier in the day: Because I'd thrown up so much the day before, my band was really aggravated and tender. Even though I felt much better, it was still hard for me to keep anything but liquids down. After a failed breakfast attempt, I decided not to keep aggravating it, so I didn't eat until company came. For dinner we had slow-cooker rotisserie chicken from The Prairie Homestead's blog. Everyone raved about it. And it was good. I had a few ounces of breast meat, a few chunks of carrots with clarified butter and about half a cup of green beans. Unfortunately, that didn't stay down. Before bed, I had a couple of forks full of fresh pineapple chunks. That stayed down. Good thing, because my blood sugar was understandably low (and falling). Somewhere in there, I had some dry-roasted macadamia nuts, too.

Sunday. I was about to give up, so I didn't keep track of what I ate and what stayed down. i did, however, only eat compliant foods (just in case I decided to go on).I was frustrated and a little disheartened. It felt like this was all too hard. Not from a cravings point-of-view. From that standpoint, it's been really easy, even in the social situation. And not from a timeline point-of-view, either. I didn't have much of a hangover, nor did I want to kill all things. And today (Monday, Day 7, as I write this), I don't really want to nap. I don't have any extra energy, but I don't have any less than I usually have either. Maybe I'm stuck in the first couple of days, because from most perspectives, I'm wondering what the big deal is.

But the lap band thing ... I'm having more trouble with my band than I had when I first got it, I think! And so, sometimes, I just want to eat the food that stays down with no problems. I know I have a flare for the dramatic, but really -- I'm surprised I'm not weak with hunger. I know I probably sound like a broken record, and I don't want to come off as blaming my band for my failures. And really, I don't think I've failed. I just didn't expect this to be so hard, in this one area. I really thought the cravings would be harder for me to deal with.

(I don't usually do this, but this is actually my post on the Whole30 forums. I generally write an original post for the blog, because the focus is different. Today, I'm just tired of it all.)

Whole30 -- Day 3

Whole30 -- Day 3

According to the timeline concerning what to expect during one's Whole30 journey, Day 3 is a hangover day -- headaches, fatigue, and/or general malaise. The actually was not the case for me. I felt pretty good and had more energy than I expected. We recently moved, and there's a garage full of boxes to unpack. I think I unpacked 11! A small dent in what needs to be done, but at least it's a dent!

This is weird: I'm having to work to eat more food. I am not getting enough protein, or food all around. I am genuinely not hungry, but Whole30 posits that when first starting down a road of whole, good, foods, we can't always trust our hunger signals. \

But after a near lifetime of dieting and "watching what I eat" it's feels weird to push to eat more food.

Meal 1: one boiled egg, half a tomato, and half an avocado.

Meal 2: one hamburger patty, about half a cup of mushrooms & asparagus sauteed in clarified butter.

1 bottle of komucha (I was having a pretty drastic low, so I reached for a brand that is a little sweeter.)

Meal 3: half a hamburger patty, 1/2 cup of mushrooms and asparagus, 3/4 cup of grapes.

Meal 3 didn't all stay down. I thought to myself "One more grape and I'm done." Well, apparently my false tummy was  done one grape before that!

Whole30 -- Day 2

Day 2 has come and gone, without much to write about. There were no cravings, no temptations. Just good whole food, and even better blood sugars.

Meal 1: Two hard boiled eggs, an avocado, and 1/4 of a tomato.

Meal 2: One hard boiled egg, an avocado, and 1/4 of a tomato (this may end up being my go-to meal.)

Meal 3: Half a hamburger patty, about 5 Brussels sprouts halves w/clarified butter, and 3/4 cup watermelon.

That was kind of heavy on the fruit for dinner, but it needs to be eaten and it was sooo good!

This was my second day without night-time insulin, and my blood sugar was 111 when I got up this morning. This is stupid-amazing, but I'm not complaining!

I am prescribed 52 units of insulin a day: 12 units of fast-acting Humulog and 40 units of Lantus, a basal insulin. On Day 1, I took eight units; on Day 2, I took six. 

Whole30 -- Day 1

Day 1 of my Whole30 has come and gone, without much fanfare. There were no hitches or hiccups. I ate lots of good, whole, healthy foods, and they were yummy and satisfying. 

I slept in a bit because I was up in the night. My body is telling me that a fibro flare is on its way. And, I also went to bed early, so there was only time for two meals. 

Meal 1: 1 hard boiled egg, an avocado, and a few bites of tomato. I put four eggs on my plate, and a whole tomato, cut in quarters, and the avocado. I knew I wouldn't manage all of it. I chose to eat the avocado first because, well, avocado! And, I knew it wouldn't save well for a later meal. I covered this and put it in the fridge for later.

Meal 2: About five ounces of pan-fried rib eye steak, 3/4 of a baked potato, a cup of roasted Brussels Sprouts, and a cup of watermelon. I was surprised I ate that much without causing issues with my lap band. I ate slowly and chewed well. And, I didn't eat the watermelon until after I'd cleared the table and rinsed off the dishes

. 

My blood sugar is already showing improvements, too. Not after one day, of course, but I'd been eating pretty clean in the week leading up to Whole30 (except for the Coke. I'd drank my share of Coke.). There wasn't a lot of sugar stored in my liver, I guess, because I was able to go without my night-time insulin last night -- and my morning reading was 103. I know that doesn't mean I'm cured, but it was nice to see, anyway.

Whole30 -- Day 0

I start Whole30 tomorrow and it's going to be a real challenge.

Why?

Because I'm not properly prepared -- and I'm to tired and achy to stand long enough to do the prep work. That translates into, "I don't know what I'm doing for breakfast tomorrow!"

I am supposed to eat one to two palm-sized portions of protein, along with one to three cups of veggies, and a small portion of healthy fats. Fruit is optional, but a lot of people don't recommend eating it at breakfast.

Wish me luck!

After All This Time (And Why I'm Back)

Yes, I know it's been a long time! But here I am. Before I go into the reasons I've resurrected this blog, let me catch you up quickly.

I still have my lap band. And I still weigh about 300 pounds, give or take about five pounds.

We could never get my fill right. Either it was so loose, I could eat almost anything or it was so tight, I couldn't eat anything. Back and forth we went, until I just got tired of the hassle. Right now, my fill is probably a bit too tight, as I throw up more meals than I don't. Even ice cream and soup.

And it's not just the tight fill that makes me throw up, it's the mucus production (ewww!) that I experience some times. And the air bubbles. Can't forget the sometimes massive air bubbles.

What I've never understood is how I can throw up at least half of what I eat and still weight what I do!

Of course, I'm eating around the band. In my defense, I tend to eat what stays down. Because of the mucus production so many foods cause me, I tend to eat a lot of dry, crunchy foods (translation: crackers, chips, and cookies).

Because of my frustrating fill situation, I think I'm going to have all the fill removed and go from there. The reason I haven't already done that is that I'm afraid of how much weight I might gain without the band. I was gaining weight pretty rapidly before I started the preparations to have my lap band, and I'm kind of afraid to go back there.

But I'm also tired of being afraid to eat, because I don't know what will stay down -- Because it changes for me from day-to-day. What worked last week may not work this week. Or ever again. I hate that the first thing I have to do when I go into a public place is scope out the restroom. And I'm tired of paying good money for food -- whether in a restaurant or at the grocery store -- that just ends up in the toilet.

I know I'd still have some restriction, even with no fill, but hopefully it will be manageable. I've got to fight with my insurance company before I do this, because it's not covered -- and frankly, I don't want to spend a couple hundred dollars to have my fill removed. But if that's what it takes, I'll do it!

But I have to be totally honest, too: I haven't learned any new eating habits (or coping mechanisms), so I still have the ones that got me to this size. That means that while I feel as though my band is part of the problem, I'm not going to even make it sounds as though I don't have any blame. I eat a lot of  crap. And I drink some crap, too. Lots of empty calories go into this body.

All of that leads me to why I've resurrected this blog after all these years ...

Tomorrow, in an attempt to gain some kind of control over my health, I'm starting Whole30. It's basically a dietary approach to reducing inflammation and increasing gut health. For 30 days, I eat quality meat, veggies & fruit, and healthy fat. No dairy (except clarified butter and ghee), no grains, no alcohol or tobacco (neither are a problem for me), and no added sugar/sweeteners (that means no stevia, too).

Everything that's wrong with me seems to have a basis in chronic systemic inflammation:

• Diabetes
• High Blood Pressure
• High Cholesterol
• Fibromyalgia
• PCOS
• Asthma

There's even some evidence that inflammation is a contributing factor in bipolar disorder! And, my PCP just referred me to a neurologist to evaluate me for MS (and hopefully rule it out!). 

Getting the inflammation under control could be a key to better health for me. And I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, as the saying goes. I feel like crap more often than not, these days, and I long to feel better. I know a lot of the problem is my weight; I get that. But I also know that just 20 pounds ago, I was regularly doing yoga without props. 

And, I think getting a handle on my diet (as opposed to dieting) and my health will support weight loss. As I told my best friend (affectionately referred to on the blog as 'Jane') a few days ago -- I've never improved my health without losing some weight in the process; but I've certainly lost weight without improving my health (Anyone remember the Cambridge diet?).

I know this is long, but please hang in there with me. 

The reason I decided to breathe some lift back into this blog is that I wanted to blog anonymously again. Not many people know about my lap band, and so I didn't want to talk about it on a blog under my name -- and I think the lap band will be a factor in my success on Whole30. Why? Well, for one thing, I'm supposed to eat one to three cups of veggies per meal -- and that's in addition to one to two palm-sized servings of protein, maybe a little fruit, and some healthy fats -- three times a day. There is no freaking way I can even eat toward the small side of those portions at one meal. 

I figure I'm going to have to do some adjusting and experimenting as I go along. And hopefully, what I experience will help someone else in a similar situation somewhere down the line, 

If you read this far, thanks for sticking with me! My goal is to blog at least a couple of paragraphs each day. I haven't decided if I'll post my meals every day, but certainly, I'll talk about my experiences and challenges as I go through the process. 

Checking In -- Again!

It's been a long time since I last posted and Sarah keeps sweetly checking in on me, so I thought I'd leave a quick up date.

The short post is that the band isn't really working for me -- or I'm not able to work the band. I have gained back most of the weight I lost during pre-op and the first few weeks of post-op.  The official explanation is that I've lost my sense of fullness and am therefore overeating. It's not helping that my "trick knee" and my bad back are acting up in a major way making exercise difficult.

But you know that I've never been one for short posts -- and of course, the truth is much more complicated than this.

The real problem is that when my surgeon operated on my stomach, he did not operate on my head or my heart.  My problem isn't just that I overeat; my problem is the reason I overeat. For me, it isn't simply an issue of eating too much, but it is the reasons that I eat, which the surgery didn't address.

I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I'm a compulsive eater. I've talked with every health care professional I have about this idea. The reaction at my surgeon's office is mixed; the nutritionist supports the idea of me getting treatment if I think that's what I need, and the Physicians Assistant who does the fills is kind of neutral since it's out of the scope of his practice, My therapist and my primary care physician are both fully supportive of inpatient treatment. My psychiatrist in in favor of outpatient treatment. I don't know which -- if either -- I'll pursue.

My psychiatrist recommended a specific outpatient program. I'm in the process of investigating it. I have a long list of questions to ask them when I call tomorrow.

My main concern is about the role of the 12-steps in any program I consider. I tried OA many, many years ago and it left me cold. I don't believe in powerlessness -- maybe that's part of my issue -- because I believe that we are the eyes and ears of God. How can I, as Source incarnate, be powerless over any earthly substance? Maybe I haven't found my power yet, but I don't think I'm powerless. The outpatient program that my psychiatrist referred me to doesn't mention anything about 12-steps on their webpage, so that's encouraging.

I don't want to be on a food plan the rest of my life, or have to weigh and measure my food.  I don't want to "be abstinent" where white sugar, white flour, and caffeine are concerned. I don't even want to "be in control" of my eating and food, as "control" carries with it a sense of struggle; I just want to be natural about it all.

The past few days, I've felt the way I want to feel for the rest of my life, with no treatment. I wish I had the confidence that this feeling will stay with me, but I just don't. So, I'm going to continue to investigate my options for treatment while I see where this feeling takes me.

Wish me luck!

Just Checking In

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. Well, yes I can. You see, I've been avoiding you guys like the plague, as they say.

Why?

Because I'm having a really hard time with this whole band/weight loss thing. I saw my doctor's PA the other day and he gave me a slight unfill. I haven't PB'd or thrown up once since then, so I guess that was the right thing to do. It mildly depressed me, though, because I was gaining weight while I was too tight (How? I dunno.), and fully expected that with less restriction, I'd probably gain even more weight. I was right -- one time I wish I hadn't been!

Even more depressing is what Brian (the PA) told me during my exam. He says that about 3-5% of people who get the lapband lose their sense of full, and he thinks I may be one of them. Lucky me, huh? I had really hoped to be one of those "every thing in moderation" kind of people, but it seems that my body has no clue what moderation is! He recommended a visit with the nutritionist on staff and suggested that I consider planning my meals and portions, then stop whether I'm full or not. That sounds more like dieting than I really wanted to do.

Don't get me wrong: I didn't really expect this to be easy. But I'm not sure I realized that it was going to be this hard, either. I've had days where I could see how this is supposed to work, but they are few and far between. Most days are a real struggle. Brian's right -- I never feel full.I have no clue when to stop eating. To be honest, this is a bit embarrassing to admit to all of you. Hell, it's downright humiliating! Am I going to be one of those people that this doesn't work for? And if I am, what does that say about my weight loss destiny?

So, today, totally freaked out by the weight I'm gaining, I started back on my pre-op diet: Two shakes and a sensible meal. It's been easier than I expected, with candy and chips in the house. I'll start exercising again soon, too. Soon? Friday morning. (Tomorrow, I'm out of town all day and so there's probably no time for the gym. Maybe, if it's not raining, I can work in a walk.)

I'm sitting here, with a heavy heart, wondering how to finish this post. Maybe I should just say "good night."

Good night!

When The Time Comes

I can’t remember what blog I found this on – but I thought it was a great idea! I want to post my WTTC list, too (whoever you were, I fully admit I used some of your ideas!).

• ·         WTTC, I will be happy at my doctor’s office when he talks about my perfect test results.
• ·         WTTC, I will happily release my blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetic medication.
• ·         WTTC, I will walk into Lane Bryant – and nothing will fit!
• ·         WTTC, I will run/walk a 5K – and not come in last!
• ·         WTTC, I will entertain more and not be exhausted at the end of the day.
• ·         WTTC, I will eat what I want because I choose to eat it, and not because of some compulsion to stuff crap in my mouth.
• ·         WTTC, I will strut my stuff in front of all the people who thought I was forever-fat.
• ·         WTTC, I will enjoy sex again with my Darling Husband!
• ·         WTTC, I will try rock climbing and ice skating.
• ·         WTTC, I will be more public about having a lap-band.

So, what will you do when the time comes?

It WAS Awful!

To those of you who speculated that it would be awful to have Thanksgiving dinner, and not be able to eat: You were absolutely right! After three days of cooking -- hours spent in the kitchen -- I didn't enjoy one single bite. Oh, I had a few nibbles as I was preparing dinner, and for a few minutes, I enjoyed the appetizers (a cheese ball, crackers and mixed nuts), but as soon as I sat down to dinner, I was DOOMED! On a conservative estimate, I bet I was up six or seven times during the meal. Not because I kept eating (although I admit that I did at first), but because that damned food just wasn't staying down.

I learned several valuable lessons, though. I don't generally drink with meals, but I learned that (for me anyway) it's paramount that I don't. Not even thinking, I poured myself a glass of water with the meal. Big mistake! And the cup of coffee I thought I'd enjoy with dessert (My first since being banded, actually). "Enjoy" isn't the word I'd use. I finally just poured it down the sink while I was doing dishes.Actually, I think I should stop drinking at least 15 minutes before my meal. I'll have to try that and see if that helps. I really suspect it will.

I'm going to give myself through the week-end to see how things are going (today's lunch mostly stayed down). Monday, if it's not going so well, I'm going to call for an appointment for a slight unfill. If I'm still having problems on Monday, I'm also going to ask for an evaluation for a slipped band. I've been throwing up enough for that to be a concern, especially after yesterday. Yesterday was awful ...

Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday, if you celebrate. For those of you who don't -- I hope you had a wonderful day!

So Much To Be Thankful For ...

Taking a cue from Simple, Sassy Sarah, I decided to do an appreciation list. Thanks, Sarah, for the idea and motivation.

This year I am so appreciative of:

• Health -- Mine, my husband's, my in-laws, the rest of my family and my friends.
• Emerging into my life as an artist.
• The generosity of my family.
• My delightful, creative, funny, loving husband. Need I say more?
• Our beautiful, spacious home. I feel so comfortable here.
• Great landlords. They make renting easy-peasy.
• My wonderful, supportive friends. You keep me going.
• All of my family, but especially my sister. We've gotten closer since our parents each made their transitions, and I'm particularly thankful for that. She also helped make the band a reality for me (as did my in-laws).
• Our adorable, loving, joy-bringing cats. Through the years, the cats have helped our marriage become a family, since we have no children.
• All of you all! I really appreciate the encouragement, support and camaraderie of this community.
• I have an absolutely amazing surgeon, and he has a great staff. I'm really thankful for them, especially when I read some of your stories!
• Last, but not least, my band (I've decided to name her Lola). I haven't had the success I had hoped for -- and fills seriously kick my ass -- but I can truly see how this is going to revolutionize my life. With just two fills, I already have glimpses of my Sweet Spot. I am losing weight pretty effortlessly, and I love that.  

So, what are you thankful for today?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have a  break from the holiday preparations, and I thought I'd spend it with you! To all my American friends, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. To all my non-American friends, I hope you have a great day tomorrow, too. Take a few minutes, wherever you are, to be appreciative of all the blessings in your life.

I, for one, am very appreciative of all of you. It's great to have a place where I can talk about the band -- in all its grossness, sometimes -- and hear about the adventures of others. It helps keep me on course, motivated and enthusiastic. So, thank you!

I'm going to take a few minutes to read a couple of blogs, then I'm back to work!

A Course in Weight Loss: Initial Reactions

To be blunt -- I'm not sure I'm going to like it! I got the book today and I've read the first 28 (out of 249) pages and have done the exercise/journaling for Chapter One. Enough to have a first impression, but not enough to make a firm judgment. 

The main thing that I don't like about it is it's religious tone. Yes, I know its subtitle is 21 Spiritual Lessons For Surrendering Your Weight Forever and I don't mind the spiritual nature of the book at all. In fact, that's part of what attracted me to it. What I don't like -- and I don't blame the book or the author for this -- is that it's written from a religious perspective that I don't share. It talks about surrendering your power (I should have clued in from the subtitle, huh?) and praying to a God that seems to be outside of us. Not to step on anyone's toes, but I just don't roll that way. I'm a law of attraction kind of girl and this book is definitely not LOA compatible! As I read, I'm having to do a lot of "translating" from Williamson's belief system to my own, and some things just don't translate well. So far, I haven't actually rolled my eyes at anything, but there's still a lot of book to go!

I'm going to continue reading and working the exercises for a few more days and then I'll re-evaluate how well it's working for me. I'm a a little disappointed because I was hoping this would provide some measure of relief for me.

Catching Up

Good morning!

I've been up for a few hours because my back is just killing me already. I've had a Vicodin, but it doesn't seem to be helping very much. So, I thought I'd try some distraction therapy. I've been going through my Blogger "Dashboard" catching up a bit. It was so good to read your blogs and hear what you all have been up to. I don't spend enough time doing that most days. I don't work outside the home and I don't have kids; I don't know how some of you have a life and blog regularly, too! I can't seem to find the time these days to blog/read as much as I'd like to. I know, it's really just a matter of priorities. I'll have to work on mine ...

I'm gearing up for Thanksgiving. It's really a small deal here at our house. My in-laws come and that's it. I'd love to have a house full, but to be honest, I think my in-laws would be a little ... overwhelmed ... if we did that. They are used to small, quiet, family holidays, with just enough food. I'm grew up with big, loud holidays teeming with food. Anyone who didn't have some place else to go came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. Mom and I would cook for days to prepare. It really was a wonderful way to share our bounty -- even when we didn't have much, we had enough to share.

I have most of the grocery shopping done; we just need to go Tuesday and pick up the perishables. I'll start cooking this evening. I'll make the cornbread and biscuits for the dressing and bake the cake for dessert. The cake freezes for at least 24 hours and then needs to thaw, so I think my timing is right. The turkey is in the fridge thawing. I think things are on track. Hubby will help me with the housework; he's a doll that way.

I am, of course, really missing my mom right now. I'd love to talk with her about my menu and timing everything so that the food is all ready on time. I'd love to chat with her about anything, to be honest. I miss hearing about the reality TV she used to watch and what's happening in the small town I grew up in. As I said, I just miss her. I take some comfort in knowing that she was ready to go when she made her transition, but it's still painful.

Hug your loved ones and call your mom, if she's still alive. Tell her "Happy Thanksgiving" from me!

Extra Help?

I've been thinking about my life with the band, and I've come to the conclusion that I need a little bit of extra help. Some times -- many times -- I'll take that "one more bite" when I know it's going to get stuck and send me to the ladies' room. Some times, I deliberately eat foods that aren't good for me. Or, I eat when I'm not hungry. Or, I drink too close to meal time. So, obviously, the problem goes deeper than just eating too much.

There's a line in one of Geneen Roth's books that says, "You can't get enough of what you didn't want in the first place." I got goosebumps when I read that for the first time, several years ago. Food isn't really what I want, therefore I can't get enough of it. Brilliant, truly.

But what do I want, that I'm letting food take the place of? I'm not completely sure. Self-love and self-acceptance, to begin with. A connection to Source Energy that is stronger and more vibrant than what I feel now. More sensuous pleasures in my life ...

A few days ago, I ran across Marianne Williamson's new book, A Course in Weight Loss, over at Amazon. Years ago, when I was involved with A Course in Miracles, I read a few of her books and liked what she had to say. I've moved on from ACIM, so I wasn't sure that I'd still be interested in what she thinks. I took advantage of the "Look Inside" feature at Amazon and skimmed the first couple of pages. Nothing stuck out as offensive to me. In fact, I really liked bits and pieces of it. So, I ordered it Friday night. I even paid extra to have it here tomorrow. I'm eager to work through it and see if it can offer me some help.

Has anyone read it or heard anything about it? I noticed that it was featured in Oprah Magazine this month; I didn't buy it because I already have the book coming. I'll let you know what I think about it after I've read it.

The Weirdest Thing!

Today has been a strange day, food wise. I've been PB'ing all day -- really slimy stuff. What's weird is that I haven't eaten much today. I finally figured out what was getting stuck: My iced tea! I had a couple of crackers for breakfast to tide me over until I got around to making a shake. They stayed down just fine. I confess; I never did get around to blending that shake. I poured a big glass of iced tea instead. Almost as soon as I starting drinking it, I got stuck. At first I thought it was my morning meds, but they never came back up. I stayed stuck almost all day. When I finally suspected it was my drink, I set it aside and about half an hour later had one of Hubby's potato chips. It stayed down. So did the few Fritos I had after that. It's about time to start cooking dinner, and I haven't had a problem in over an hour, so I'm hopeful.

Unfortunately, I have really dry mouth most of the time, so not drinking all afternoon has been an uncomfortable challenge. But then, so is getting stuck!

 I've poured another iced tea and am sipping it very slowly. So far, so good! Anyone else have something like this happen to them?

It's Gonna Work!

I can finally, three months after being banded, see that this is going to work for me! YAY!

Today, I had half a protein shake for breakfast at about 11AM (a little late for breakfast, I know, but I slept in this morning), and I'm just now (4:45PM) hungry again! I'm having a Yoplait Light Yogurt and I'm feeling very satisfied. In fact, I'm not sure I can comfortably eat the whole cup! No PB'ing, no stuck feeling. Dinner is in a couple of hours -- it will be interesting to see how much I can comfortably eat.

I didn't realize that I was starting to get frustrated until just now. I wasn't sure that the band was going to work for me -- or rather, that I wasn't going to be able to work the band. Oh, I know I'm not out of the woods yet and that band life is not necessarily going to be smooth sailing from here on out, but I see a glimpse of what it might be. And I like it!

Blog Hopping!

I think I'm mentioned before that I have bipolar disorder. Silly me, I let myself run out of the medication that keeps my sleep patterns regulated, so I'm up in the middle of the night -- with a big day ahead of me Sunday! I've had the most delightful time, though, catching up on many of your blogs. How nice to touch base with you. For those that I haven't gotten around to, I hope all is well. I'm looking forward to checking in with you.

Assorted Ramblings ...

***NOTE: I wrote this post yesterday (Friday) while I was having internet 
issues, so I was unable to upload it. Rather than re-write it to acknowledge the correct time/day, I'm just giving you a heads-up!***

So, today I had my second fill, and all seems to be going well. Another 1.5 CCs in my band. I was thrilled -- when they weighed me at the doctor's office, I had lost eight pounds since my last visit (about six weeks ago)! Considering that I spent part of my drive to the office making up excuses in my head for why I'd gained weight, that was a bit of a miracle! I'm pleased, but I'm also a little saddened by knowing how good of a loss it could have been, if only I'd been more diligent about my diet and exercise. Oh well, it is what it is; all I can do is try harder in the future.

And try harder, I will! I'm totally psyched about the upcoming weight loss challenge. I am committed to exercising regularly and eating right during the holidays. We are hosting Thanksgiving again this year, and I really don't know what to do about it. But whatever I decide, I'll eat reasonably and continue walk/jogging on a regular basis.

Oh! Did I mention that I am now below 300 pounds? I never thought I'd be excited by 298, but indeed, I am! I've lost a total of about 35 pounds since my pre-op diet and so happy because I know that this time it will stick. Sure, I may gain a pound or two here or there, but I'll never again weigh what I did when I started this process. I'm determined to make this work.

When I say I don't know what to do about the holiday, what I mean is -- I don't know how far to go with the food. I grew up in a home with amazing food at the holidays, Thanksgiving especially. We cooked for days leading up to it. Some of the fondest memories I have of my mother are holiday cooking together. I've only done Thanksgiving for two years (this will be the third), but I've tried to replicate that abundance in my own way. There are only four of us at my celebrations -- compared to sometimes 30 people at my mother's! -- so I don't prepare nearly as much food as she did, but there still has always been plenty to eat all day long. And leftovers? Oh, my, yes! Cooking for the holiday is something I truly enjoy.

But that was then -- and this is now! This will be my first Thanksgiving without my mother (even though I haven't sat at her table in years); I can't imagine not going all out, in the finest Mom-Tradition. It's a way to stay connected to her and my heritage. I don't want food to be the center of my world any longer. But I'm not sure I'm ready to give up this tie I have to my past, either. Sure, I know it's all in my head, but I also know that I am most comforted when I'm cooking. Not eating necessarily, but cooking. I miss my mom so much -- in this moment, the pain is almost unbearable -- and I want to hold fast to whatever connection I have to her.

Actually, cooking is bittersweet. Mom was an excellent cook, and she taught me well. I'm not as good as she was, but I'm not embarrassed by my skills, either. After my father made his transition, my mother and I cooked our holiday meals together, via the phone and the internet. We planned our menus, trading suggestions and recipes back-and-forth. When I had a question -- even the simplest of questions -- I'd pick up the phone and call her to ask (Ahh, the joys of unlimited long distance!). My first Thanksgiving, I must have called her half a dozen times! She was so proud of me for turning out such a lovely and delicious spread.

Now when I cook, I have no one to ask questions of, so I head off to the internet. Not nearly as emotionally fulfilling as calling my mom! Now, there's no one to help me plan my day, encourage me in my housecleaning, double check my to-do list. Can you see why I'm not ready to give up my time in the kitchen -- and the connection to my mother. However silly it may seem to some people, it's very real and comforting to me.

What do you all do with the leftovers that come after such a meal? My husband doesn't eat leftovers very well, so it's all up to me. I guess I can eat what I truly enjoy and then just throw the rest of it out. What a novel concept! I think I just found my answer ...

Thanks for listening. I often times work out my own answers if I just write about the situation long enough.

I'm In!

As I was blog hopping a bit this evening, I saw several people mention the upcoming Holiday Challenge being hosted by Kristen. I need something to help keep me interested, motivated, and active, so I've decided to join! My next fill is scheduled for Friday, 05 November, so the timing is just perfect. I am really excited about this, as I think it will be just the thing to keep me on point for a few weeks. I tend to do my best when I have something external to keep me motivated and accountable. I like rewards, so I'll set myself up some non-food/non-eating rewards for participating each week. Something like that usually helps keep me involved.

So, I'm eager for Sunday, 07 November to get here! I think this will be fun and motivating -- not just for me, but for lots of us! Thanks so much to Kristen for organizing this, and good luck to everyone who will be participating!