13 April 2011

Checking In -- Again!

It's been a long time since I last posted and Sarah keeps sweetly checking in on me, so I thought I'd leave a quick up date.

The short post is that the band isn't really working for me -- or I'm not able to work the band. I have gained back most of the weight I lost during pre-op and the first few weeks of post-op.  The official explanation is that I've lost my sense of fullness and am therefore overeating. It's not helping that my "trick knee" and my bad back are acting up in a major way making exercise difficult.

But you know that I've never been one for short posts -- and of course, the truth is much more complicated than this.

The real problem is that when my surgeon operated on my stomach, he did not operate on my head or my heart.  My problem isn't just that I overeat; my problem is the reason I overeat. For me, it isn't simply an issue of eating too much, but it is the reasons that I eat, which the surgery didn't address.

I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I'm a compulsive eater. I've talked with every health care professional I have about this idea. The reaction at my surgeon's office is mixed; the nutritionist supports the idea of me getting treatment if I think that's what I need, and the Physicians Assistant who does the fills is kind of neutral since it's out of the scope of his practice, My therapist and my primary care physician are both fully supportive of inpatient treatment. My psychiatrist in in favor of outpatient treatment. I don't know which -- if either -- I'll pursue.

My psychiatrist recommended a specific outpatient program. I'm in the process of investigating it. I have a long list of questions to ask them when I call tomorrow.

My main concern is about the role of the 12-steps in any program I consider. I tried OA many, many years ago and it left me cold. I don't believe in powerlessness -- maybe that's part of my issue -- because I believe that we are the eyes and ears of God. How can I, as Source incarnate, be powerless over any earthly substance? Maybe I haven't found my power yet, but I don't think I'm powerless. The outpatient program that my psychiatrist referred me to doesn't mention anything about 12-steps on their webpage, so that's encouraging.

I don't want to be on a food plan the rest of my life, or have to weigh and measure my food.  I don't want to "be abstinent" where white sugar, white flour, and caffeine are concerned. I don't even want to "be in control" of my eating and food, as "control" carries with it a sense of struggle; I just want to be natural about it all.

The past few days, I've felt the way I want to feel for the rest of my life, with no treatment. I wish I had the confidence that this feeling will stay with me, but I just don't. So, I'm going to continue to investigate my options for treatment while I see where this feeling takes me.

Wish me luck!


  1. Sending you all the luck in the world!! Keep us posted :)

  2. This is such a difficult journey. I blogged yesterday about just such things. I think the 12 steps are a great way to really get to the bottom of some issues and even if you don't buy into it, "fake it til you make it" does have some merit. How is your restriction? Once I got to a point were I could not binge, I was forced to do some hard work and deal with some things that I had successfully avoided for a really long time. You are worth the effort, so hang in there!!

  3. So glad you posted!! I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it. I hope you get the help you need, what ever form it takes, to get control of your head & heart! You can do this, I know you can!!

  4. Have you made any progress? I'm still checking up on you!