Checking In -- Again!

It's been a long time since I last posted and Sarah keeps sweetly checking in on me, so I thought I'd leave a quick up date.

The short post is that the band isn't really working for me -- or I'm not able to work the band. I have gained back most of the weight I lost during pre-op and the first few weeks of post-op.  The official explanation is that I've lost my sense of fullness and am therefore overeating. It's not helping that my "trick knee" and my bad back are acting up in a major way making exercise difficult.

But you know that I've never been one for short posts -- and of course, the truth is much more complicated than this.

The real problem is that when my surgeon operated on my stomach, he did not operate on my head or my heart.  My problem isn't just that I overeat; my problem is the reason I overeat. For me, it isn't simply an issue of eating too much, but it is the reasons that I eat, which the surgery didn't address.

I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I'm a compulsive eater. I've talked with every health care professional I have about this idea. The reaction at my surgeon's office is mixed; the nutritionist supports the idea of me getting treatment if I think that's what I need, and the Physicians Assistant who does the fills is kind of neutral since it's out of the scope of his practice, My therapist and my primary care physician are both fully supportive of inpatient treatment. My psychiatrist in in favor of outpatient treatment. I don't know which -- if either -- I'll pursue.

My psychiatrist recommended a specific outpatient program. I'm in the process of investigating it. I have a long list of questions to ask them when I call tomorrow.

My main concern is about the role of the 12-steps in any program I consider. I tried OA many, many years ago and it left me cold. I don't believe in powerlessness -- maybe that's part of my issue -- because I believe that we are the eyes and ears of God. How can I, as Source incarnate, be powerless over any earthly substance? Maybe I haven't found my power yet, but I don't think I'm powerless. The outpatient program that my psychiatrist referred me to doesn't mention anything about 12-steps on their webpage, so that's encouraging.

I don't want to be on a food plan the rest of my life, or have to weigh and measure my food.  I don't want to "be abstinent" where white sugar, white flour, and caffeine are concerned. I don't even want to "be in control" of my eating and food, as "control" carries with it a sense of struggle; I just want to be natural about it all.

The past few days, I've felt the way I want to feel for the rest of my life, with no treatment. I wish I had the confidence that this feeling will stay with me, but I just don't. So, I'm going to continue to investigate my options for treatment while I see where this feeling takes me.

Wish me luck!

Just Checking In

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. Well, yes I can. You see, I've been avoiding you guys like the plague, as they say.

Why?

Because I'm having a really hard time with this whole band/weight loss thing. I saw my doctor's PA the other day and he gave me a slight unfill. I haven't PB'd or thrown up once since then, so I guess that was the right thing to do. It mildly depressed me, though, because I was gaining weight while I was too tight (How? I dunno.), and fully expected that with less restriction, I'd probably gain even more weight. I was right -- one time I wish I hadn't been!

Even more depressing is what Brian (the PA) told me during my exam. He says that about 3-5% of people who get the lapband lose their sense of full, and he thinks I may be one of them. Lucky me, huh? I had really hoped to be one of those "every thing in moderation" kind of people, but it seems that my body has no clue what moderation is! He recommended a visit with the nutritionist on staff and suggested that I consider planning my meals and portions, then stop whether I'm full or not. That sounds more like dieting than I really wanted to do.

Don't get me wrong: I didn't really expect this to be easy. But I'm not sure I realized that it was going to be this hard, either. I've had days where I could see how this is supposed to work, but they are few and far between. Most days are a real struggle. Brian's right -- I never feel full.I have no clue when to stop eating. To be honest, this is a bit embarrassing to admit to all of you. Hell, it's downright humiliating! Am I going to be one of those people that this doesn't work for? And if I am, what does that say about my weight loss destiny?

So, today, totally freaked out by the weight I'm gaining, I started back on my pre-op diet: Two shakes and a sensible meal. It's been easier than I expected, with candy and chips in the house. I'll start exercising again soon, too. Soon? Friday morning. (Tomorrow, I'm out of town all day and so there's probably no time for the gym. Maybe, if it's not raining, I can work in a walk.)

I'm sitting here, with a heavy heart, wondering how to finish this post. Maybe I should just say "good night."

Good night!

When The Time Comes

I can’t remember what blog I found this on – but I thought it was a great idea! I want to post my WTTC list, too (whoever you were, I fully admit I used some of your ideas!).

• ·         WTTC, I will be happy at my doctor’s office when he talks about my perfect test results.
• ·         WTTC, I will happily release my blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetic medication.
• ·         WTTC, I will walk into Lane Bryant – and nothing will fit!
• ·         WTTC, I will run/walk a 5K – and not come in last!
• ·         WTTC, I will entertain more and not be exhausted at the end of the day.
• ·         WTTC, I will eat what I want because I choose to eat it, and not because of some compulsion to stuff crap in my mouth.
• ·         WTTC, I will strut my stuff in front of all the people who thought I was forever-fat.
• ·         WTTC, I will enjoy sex again with my Darling Husband!
• ·         WTTC, I will try rock climbing and ice skating.
• ·         WTTC, I will be more public about having a lap-band.

So, what will you do when the time comes?

It WAS Awful!

To those of you who speculated that it would be awful to have Thanksgiving dinner, and not be able to eat: You were absolutely right! After three days of cooking -- hours spent in the kitchen -- I didn't enjoy one single bite. Oh, I had a few nibbles as I was preparing dinner, and for a few minutes, I enjoyed the appetizers (a cheese ball, crackers and mixed nuts), but as soon as I sat down to dinner, I was DOOMED! On a conservative estimate, I bet I was up six or seven times during the meal. Not because I kept eating (although I admit that I did at first), but because that damned food just wasn't staying down.

I learned several valuable lessons, though. I don't generally drink with meals, but I learned that (for me anyway) it's paramount that I don't. Not even thinking, I poured myself a glass of water with the meal. Big mistake! And the cup of coffee I thought I'd enjoy with dessert (My first since being banded, actually). "Enjoy" isn't the word I'd use. I finally just poured it down the sink while I was doing dishes.Actually, I think I should stop drinking at least 15 minutes before my meal. I'll have to try that and see if that helps. I really suspect it will.

I'm going to give myself through the week-end to see how things are going (today's lunch mostly stayed down). Monday, if it's not going so well, I'm going to call for an appointment for a slight unfill. If I'm still having problems on Monday, I'm also going to ask for an evaluation for a slipped band. I've been throwing up enough for that to be a concern, especially after yesterday. Yesterday was awful ...

Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday, if you celebrate. For those of you who don't -- I hope you had a wonderful day!

So Much To Be Thankful For ...

Taking a cue from Simple, Sassy Sarah, I decided to do an appreciation list. Thanks, Sarah, for the idea and motivation.

This year I am so appreciative of:

• Health -- Mine, my husband's, my in-laws, the rest of my family and my friends.
• Emerging into my life as an artist.
• The generosity of my family.
• My delightful, creative, funny, loving husband. Need I say more?
• Our beautiful, spacious home. I feel so comfortable here.
• Great landlords. They make renting easy-peasy.
• My wonderful, supportive friends. You keep me going.
• All of my family, but especially my sister. We've gotten closer since our parents each made their transitions, and I'm particularly thankful for that. She also helped make the band a reality for me (as did my in-laws).
• Our adorable, loving, joy-bringing cats. Through the years, the cats have helped our marriage become a family, since we have no children.
• All of you all! I really appreciate the encouragement, support and camaraderie of this community.
• I have an absolutely amazing surgeon, and he has a great staff. I'm really thankful for them, especially when I read some of your stories!
• Last, but not least, my band (I've decided to name her Lola). I haven't had the success I had hoped for -- and fills seriously kick my ass -- but I can truly see how this is going to revolutionize my life. With just two fills, I already have glimpses of my Sweet Spot. I am losing weight pretty effortlessly, and I love that.  

So, what are you thankful for today?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have a  break from the holiday preparations, and I thought I'd spend it with you! To all my American friends, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. To all my non-American friends, I hope you have a great day tomorrow, too. Take a few minutes, wherever you are, to be appreciative of all the blessings in your life.

I, for one, am very appreciative of all of you. It's great to have a place where I can talk about the band -- in all its grossness, sometimes -- and hear about the adventures of others. It helps keep me on course, motivated and enthusiastic. So, thank you!

I'm going to take a few minutes to read a couple of blogs, then I'm back to work!

A Course in Weight Loss: Initial Reactions

To be blunt -- I'm not sure I'm going to like it! I got the book today and I've read the first 28 (out of 249) pages and have done the exercise/journaling for Chapter One. Enough to have a first impression, but not enough to make a firm judgment. 

The main thing that I don't like about it is it's religious tone. Yes, I know its subtitle is 21 Spiritual Lessons For Surrendering Your Weight Forever and I don't mind the spiritual nature of the book at all. In fact, that's part of what attracted me to it. What I don't like -- and I don't blame the book or the author for this -- is that it's written from a religious perspective that I don't share. It talks about surrendering your power (I should have clued in from the subtitle, huh?) and praying to a God that seems to be outside of us. Not to step on anyone's toes, but I just don't roll that way. I'm a law of attraction kind of girl and this book is definitely not LOA compatible! As I read, I'm having to do a lot of "translating" from Williamson's belief system to my own, and some things just don't translate well. So far, I haven't actually rolled my eyes at anything, but there's still a lot of book to go!

I'm going to continue reading and working the exercises for a few more days and then I'll re-evaluate how well it's working for me. I'm a a little disappointed because I was hoping this would provide some measure of relief for me.