16 July 2010

I Have Issues ...

This may be a long, complicated post; I tend to think best when I'm writing, and I need to think now. On the other hand, there may not be much to think about once I get into it, so it may end up being pretty short.

I'm hungry. That's issue #1. I started my pre-op diet on Tuesday, and I've done pretty well. In fact, I've been satisfied. Even my "pre-planned transgression" wasn't horrible. I went to Panera on Thursday and had a big salad and a diet drink. I'm sure with the dressing, it wasn't such a diet food, but I didn't have any bread or pastry (Will miracles never cease!). When I got home that evening, I got right back on task. I'm pretty proud of myself! I'm getting all my water in -- and then some! -- so dehydration isn't the issue.

Today, however, I've wanted to eat everything in sight! I'm travelling, and I brought exactly enough protein powder, so having an extra shake isn't really an option. So far, I haven't given in to temptation; I've eaten extra string cheese, which is an approved snack.

As I drove through Jack-in-the-Box for a diet soda (not giving those up until the last minute!), I started salivating for things I don't typically even eat from there! It wasn't really the sweets that were calling me. The egg rolls (a staple in my diet) did know my name, but so did the grilled breakfast sandwich, which I've never even been tempted to order.

Tomorrow is my second planned transgression. I'm going to San Diego to see friends who don't know about the upcoming WLS. I planned this trip before I started the pre-op diet. I decided to just let the day unfold as it will, trying to make as many healthy choices as I can. When I get home tomorrow night, I'll get right back on the program and have approved food for dinner. I was thinking I'd try to have salad again, but now I want a sweet, deep-fried fat blob for lunch tomorrow!

So, what's the deal? I'm both head-hungry and physically hungry. It doesn't help that my MIL keeps (helpfully) asking if I'm getting enough to eat! And, during my nutrition class today, I found out that my surgeon is "notorious" for opening people up, seeing their liver is too fatty, and sewing them shut! That scares the hell out of me. Put the fear of God in me! And makes me hungry! Food is how I've always dealt with my emotions -- covered them up, don't cha know? Now, I'm faced with something pretty scary for me, and no tools to really cope. I have a therapist, but I saw him yesterday, and won't see him for another two weeks. I have to deal with this on my own. I guess I'll just white-knuckle it for a few days and hope for the best.

Issue #2? I'm caught between my desire to tell everyone I see/meet about the surgery (I'm a bit excited about having a date!) and my desire to keep this private. In fact, I have only told seven people, plus appropriate health care professionals. I told one friend Thursday at lunch. She is also fairly heavy. She's being supportive. That was a big risk! Just because someone is over their ideal weight, doesn't mean they'll support surgical intervention. So far, everyone has been supportive. Even my never-weighed-an-ounce-over-her-ideal-weight older sister. Even my naturally thin FIL who watches what he eats and walks everyday.

With all that support, why not tell more people? Because I don't want to be scrutinized while I'm adjusting to the band. I don't want people to ask me how much weight I've lost (I think that's an incredibly rude question), what my goal weight is, how much weight I hope to lose. I just don't want to talk about it, especially not while I'm trying to gain my footing. Not right after surgery -- while the focus is on healing, not weight loss.

I know that someday, I'll have that attention and be faced with those questions. But, at my size, I have to lose about 40 pounds before people really start noticing and commenting. That should give me time to adjust a bit, gain some confidence, before I have to deal with my public! I'm hoping so, anyway!

#3? My oh-so-supportive sister was blog hopping the other day and ran across a blog of someone who had had the lap-band and reached goal weight. Sister couldn't remember the name of the blog, but she thought it was written by someone named Jen (Jenn?). She was struck by a post in which Jen(n) talked about how she had always imagined that her life would be different (better?) if she just lost weight. Now, she's lost weight and she's stuck with the same ol' life, with the same ol' problems. She's discovering that her weight isn't the problem -- she is (I'm really paraphrasing, here).

So, that's got me to thinking! Will that happen to me? I suspect to some extent it will, as I'll still be the main inhabitant of my own life. But I'm also hoping to see some change, some growth with this experience. I'm hoping that I'll gain some confidence, that I'll lose some self-consciousness. I'm hoping that the experience of finally DOING SOMETHING about a problem I have bitched about for years will be ... is transformative too much to ask for? I'm hoping to see that I completed this one thing (I don't have great follow through), so I can complete other things, too.

I guess I'm borrowing trouble, as my FIL would say. I'm worrying about things before they become an issue, which in and of itself is kind of weird for me, because I'm not much of a worrier in general.

So, I'm off to drink my dinner! It really felt good to just focus on these issues (there are probably others to write about another day) for a few minutes. I didn't really solve anything, but I expressed myself. That's a good first step for me.

Thanks for listening!


  1. I too have issues...much the same as yours, I'm on my last 3 days of the liquid diet and today was the worst! I felt like I wanted to eat everything I used to eat, I too was at the drive through at Jack in the Box to pick up a salad for my Mom but as I was looking over the menu, I was really tempted to order something "bad" but I didn't because I'm scared of the doc cancelling the surgery or something of that matter. Anyway, hang in there, you can do this :)

  2. I know what you mean... it's like I have so many mental issues, and I keep telling myself, once I lose the weight, those will go away... but will they? Right now I'm looking for a good book to help me stabilize my mind, and get me to where I want to be emotionally. So that way, once I do lose the weight, I will have the whole package to look forward to, you know what I mean??

    Also, keep it up!! You can do this!! I'm sure the shakes taste disgusting, but think of the benefits down the line! You are getting the surgery done, and its another great step towards your goal!! :)

  3. Hi Amaris!
    I love your name! All artists have great names, right? It's nice to have another SoCal girl here. It seems like most bandsters are in the midwest or Florida.

    I'm really happy for you that you have a date set. You are already on your pre-op diet? Six weeks in advance? Wow! Your liver is sure to shrink. You'll probably lose a lot of belly fat too which really helps with the surgery.

    From your ticker it looks like we have the same WL goal. To lose 180#. Sister, it CAN be done.

    I've read many of the Geneen Roth books too. So I'm prepared for the whole "being thin doesn't fix your life" thing. I'm sure you are too. It might not fix everything, but I think it keeps me from being miserable.

    Some time when you come to San Diego we'll have to do a "California lunch" (iced coffee and a pedicure).


    Best of luck! I look forward to watching your journey!!

  4. P.S. If you aren't already, perhaps you could follow my blog - that's how I keep track of who's blog I'm reading. Thanks!

  5. I think all your concerns are valid but if you keep reading blogs you'll see what you've been feeling is very normal too. We're all here for you. I'm impressed you're thinking about these things - I think those that don't have a harder time. Keep up the good work.