06 November 2010
Assorted Ramblings ...
***NOTE: I wrote this post yesterday (Friday) while I was having internet
issues, so I was unable to upload it. Rather than re-write it to acknowledge the correct time/day, I'm just giving you a heads-up!***
So, today I had my second fill, and all seems to be going well. Another 1.5 CCs in my band. I was thrilled -- when they weighed me at the doctor's office, I had lost eight pounds since my last visit (about six weeks ago)! Considering that I spent part of my drive to the office making up excuses in my head for why I'd gained weight, that was a bit of a miracle! I'm pleased, but I'm also a little saddened by knowing how good of a loss it could have been, if only I'd been more diligent about my diet and exercise. Oh well, it is what it is; all I can do is try harder in the future.
And try harder, I will! I'm totally psyched about the upcoming weight loss challenge. I am committed to exercising regularly and eating right during the holidays. We are hosting Thanksgiving again this year, and I really don't know what to do about it. But whatever I decide, I'll eat reasonably and continue walk/jogging on a regular basis.
Oh! Did I mention that I am now below 300 pounds? I never thought I'd be excited by 298, but indeed, I am! I've lost a total of about 35 pounds since my pre-op diet and so happy because I know that this time it will stick. Sure, I may gain a pound or two here or there, but I'll never again weigh what I did when I started this process. I'm determined to make this work.
When I say I don't know what to do about the holiday, what I mean is -- I don't know how far to go with the food. I grew up in a home with amazing food at the holidays, Thanksgiving especially. We cooked for days leading up to it. Some of the fondest memories I have of my mother are holiday cooking together. I've only done Thanksgiving for two years (this will be the third), but I've tried to replicate that abundance in my own way. There are only four of us at my celebrations -- compared to sometimes 30 people at my mother's! -- so I don't prepare nearly as much food as she did, but there still has always been plenty to eat all day long. And leftovers? Oh, my, yes! Cooking for the holiday is something I truly enjoy.
But that was then -- and this is now! This will be my first Thanksgiving without my mother (even though I haven't sat at her table in years); I can't imagine not going all out, in the finest Mom-Tradition. It's a way to stay connected to her and my heritage. I don't want food to be the center of my world any longer. But I'm not sure I'm ready to give up this tie I have to my past, either. Sure, I know it's all in my head, but I also know that I am most comforted when I'm cooking. Not eating necessarily, but cooking. I miss my mom so much -- in this moment, the pain is almost unbearable -- and I want to hold fast to whatever connection I have to her.
Actually, cooking is bittersweet. Mom was an excellent cook, and she taught me well. I'm not as good as she was, but I'm not embarrassed by my skills, either. After my father made his transition, my mother and I cooked our holiday meals together, via the phone and the internet. We planned our menus, trading suggestions and recipes back-and-forth. When I had a question -- even the simplest of questions -- I'd pick up the phone and call her to ask (Ahh, the joys of unlimited long distance!). My first Thanksgiving, I must have called her half a dozen times! She was so proud of me for turning out such a lovely and delicious spread.
Now when I cook, I have no one to ask questions of, so I head off to the internet. Not nearly as emotionally fulfilling as calling my mom! Now, there's no one to help me plan my day, encourage me in my housecleaning, double check my to-do list. Can you see why I'm not ready to give up my time in the kitchen -- and the connection to my mother. However silly it may seem to some people, it's very real and comforting to me.
What do you all do with the leftovers that come after such a meal? My husband doesn't eat leftovers very well, so it's all up to me. I guess I can eat what I truly enjoy and then just throw the rest of it out. What a novel concept! I think I just found my answer ...
Thanks for listening. I often times work out my own answers if I just write about the situation long enough.